5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My background check bounced.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.