Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
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Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*