[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I have two kinds of followers
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup