7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
look at me when i’m typing to you
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Life hack