My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
No one girl should have all that power. 😂