I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded