“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Awesome parenting 😂
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.