How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot