Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
lmao
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
cats when you pet them too long:
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)