“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Banking tips
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face