Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight