HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.