tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.