I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”