The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.