I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Taliband
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
felt cute might bury dad later idk