Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we鈥檙e at, people.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I鈥檓 excited to meet my children for the first time*
I鈥檓 happier now that I鈥檝e changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it鈥檚 the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it鈥檚 the vodka.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte馃檮
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven鈥檛 even thought of yet
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.