me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.