Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”