I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times