sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
You Might Also Like
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.