Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Sing it!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.