McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster