my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Thursday
Hello Twits.