Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Become ungovernable.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses