I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I will never stop laughing at this
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.