[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
FRED: right
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.