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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
barbara was highly relatable