Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
You Might Also Like
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
the three branches of government
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.