Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Sunday
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?