restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October