Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.