I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool