[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*offers Batman cough drops*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving