my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The “baby” on the left….