I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Rt to bother an English speaker