The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.