I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.