[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”