my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
my nickname in college
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.