At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
BRO LMFAO
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought