MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Webb. James Webb.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭