“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.