If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already