God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
i spent way too long on this
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away