[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My first son he is wonderful
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.