Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
A man of commitment.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.