*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Anime is real
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.