About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle