[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Hit me in the face with a bird
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.